This should be a no-brainer, but it seems most of us have a blind spot about our own behaviors. I say behaviors, because there are more than one.
There is the guy who constantly berates his wife/lady friend for being overweight. This only results in a diminished sense of self for her and diminshed sexual openness for him (actually for them both). How is it that "he" can expect the kind of self-acceptance from her that is necessary for a truly rewarding sex life, when he is regularly providing negative reinforcement about her appearance?
Then there is the wife/significant other who constantly mentions all the niceties the "Jones" are able to purchase, and how much better life would be if "we" weren't always "robbing Peter to pay Paul." Considering that men are judged in our society by their productivity, their success, for their ability to PROVIDE, is it any wonder that the self-esteem of these hen-pecked men plummet? A man cannot fully love a woman when she makes him feel less than a "man."
Parents striving to live through their children, place enormous negative pressure on them. In some cases this causes lifetime damage. I remember my own father begging me on his knees to play highschool football. Now my father wore a size 14 ring on his ring finger, while I just had my own new wedding band sized down to 8-1/4. I wasn't built for football (I have marvelous fingers for guitar playing though!), and no amount of trying was going to make me football material. He forced me to give it a two week trial period. After two weeks of almost dying on the practice field, where I believe I sustained multiple concussions, the result of which I still suffer, I quit. For my monumental effort I received three years of constant bullying from the jocks and coaches I had "let down," and was subjected to my father calling me "a QUITTER!," for the rest of his life, and long after it, in my sub-conscious.
There are endless examples of this "diminishing." We have all witnessed our share, mostly of others doing this to us, or of others attacking others. We don't however see this so clearly when we ourselves do it. We need to make a better effort. Simply observing and noticing ourselves when engaged in this will help.
Much later in life I discovered the wonderful effect of giving encouragement. When you compliment someone about themselves, it expands them. Their spirit shines. They belive in themselves and their abilities sometimes far beyond their actual showing. And even if they aren't quite as adept as you make them out to be, they will often surprise you by growing rapidly to the level they have been convinced they occupy through your encouragement. Just as an experiment, tell someone you love how they do (fill in the blank), and watch how much pride they begin to put forth into the activity. Watch how they look for every opportunity to shine in that area! This is loving expansion...
Why would anyone want to be around someone that chronically makes them feel like a smaller, diminished version of themself? When they begin looking elsewhere, and the grass appears greener to them, it is because it is, in relation to you. But give your world and everyone in it, from a random encounter, to your partner in life, a reason to feel wonderful about themselves and they will! And indirectly, their increased self-esteem, will lead to your own life being much improved! How could your life not be better when surrounded by people who feel great about themselves?
Today, make encouragement your number one focus. Look for every opportunity to lift the spirits of all you come across. Even if you can't find some competency to point to, tell the how nice they make you feel. Your world, as well as theirs will expand like you opened the windows to let in fresh air...
Duffy
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